You knew what you were getting into when you said “I do.” At least, that is what people tell you. But somewhere between the wedding cake and the mortgage, you started to notice a few things. He still thinks farts are funny. She still buys toys for herself and calls them “house decorations.”
You are not living with a partner. You are living with a slightly taller, hairier child who has access to your credit card. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It is just a fact.
And if you recognize these 15 signs, congratulations. You married someone who refuses to grow up. Welcome to the club.
1. “I’ll do the dishes in a minute.”
This minute is happening in a different dimension. In this dimension, the dishes have been sitting in the sink for three days, and a small ecosystem is starting to form. You are now a biologist studying the growth of mold in urban environments. You did not sign up for this science project.
2. “I bought us a trampoline.”
No one bought “us” a trampoline. They bought themselves a trampoline and are using the word “us” to make it sound like a responsible family investment. You do not have children. You have a forty year old spouse who wants to jump. The neighbors are concerned. The HOA is sending letters.
3. “I saved that box because it is a really good box.”
The garage is now a museum of excellent cardboard. There are no tools in there. There are no holiday decorations.
There are just boxes. And inside those boxes are smaller boxes. It is boxes all the way down.
You have asked about this. The answer is always the same: “But what if we need to mail something weird?” You have never needed to mail something weird.
4. “I am not arguing, I am explaining why I am right.”
You have not had a real fight in years. What you have is a series of TED Talks delivered from the couch. The topic is usually about why leaving socks on the floor is actually a form of performance art. You are the unwilling audience.
There is no intermission.
5. “I made us a snack dinner.”
This means you are eating string cheese, goldfish crackers, and three different kinds of dip for the fourth night this week. This was fun when you were both twenty two and living in a studio apartment. Now you own a dining table. It is covered in crumbs and shame.
6. “I am just going to play one more level.”
This was said at 9 PM. It is now 1 AM. You are in bed. They are still on the couch. The glow of the screen is the only light in the house. You can hear the little game sounds. You suspect they will come to bed when the sun comes up. You are usually right.
7. “Why do we need a grown up budget?”
The credit card statement arrives and you have to sit down with them like you are explaining finance to a golden retriever. They look confused. They look sad. They ask why they cannot have a jet ski. You do not live near water. You do not own a trailer. They are very insistent about the jet ski.
8. “I am the fun parent, you are the mean parent.”
The kids are not real. You have a cat. But somehow, you are still the mean parent.
Your spouse feeds the cat treats at 3 AM and lets it walk on the counter. You said no to the cat walking on the counter.
You are the villain in this story. The cat is the hero. Your spouse is the enabler.
9. “I do not have clean socks.”
But they do have clean socks. The socks are in the laundry basket. The laundry basket is in the closet. The closet door is open. They simply did not look. They walked past the basket to tell you they do not have socks. You are now their personal laundress and their personal detective. You did not apply for either job.
10. “I am too tired to talk about our weekend plans.”
But they are not too tired to scroll through videos of people falling down stairs for an hour. The energy is selective. It is a superpower.
They can be completely depleted by a conversation about which restaurant to go to for dinner, yet fully energized by the prospect of a 2 AM trip to get ice cream. You have learned to schedule nothing.
11. “That thing in the yard is not a project, it is an art installation.”
The thing in the yard is a broken lawnmower with a plant growing out of it. You have asked them to move it seven times. They say it adds character. You say it adds rats. The debate is ongoing. The lawnmower remains. It is now a home for spiders. You have accepted this.
12. “I call shotgun.”
You are the driver. They are calling shotgun to sit next to you. In your own car. You are going to the grocery store. It is a five minute drive.
They are very proud of winning this race. You do not know what race. There was no race. But they won it anyway. Good job, buddy.
13. “I do not know how to do laundry.”
This is a lie. They know how to do laundry. They invented laundry. They have simply decided that not knowing is easier than doing. It is weaponized incompetence wrapped in a cute smile. You are not fooled. But you are also tired. So you do the laundry. And they win again.
14. “Let’s have a movie night.”
This means they will pick the movie. It will be an animated film from 1997 that they have seen two hundred times. They will quote every line. They will laugh at the same jokes. They will fall asleep twenty minutes in. You will watch the rest alone. It is a beautiful, infuriating ritual.
15. “I do not need a bedtime.”
They need a bedtime. They are cranky. They are uncoordinated. They knock things over at 11 PM and blame the dog. But they will fight you on it. They are a toddler with a driver’s license and a full time job. You tuck them in anyway. You kiss their forehead. You whisper, “Goodnight, you absolute maniac.” And you mean it with your whole heart.
So there it is. The truth is hard to admit, but here we are.
You did not marry someone who would grow up. You married someone who would keep life interesting. Who would make you laugh when you are supposed to be mad. Who would buy the trampoline and the jet ski and the really good box.
It is a mess. It is your mess. And honestly, you would not have it any other way.
Because being the only adult in the house is exhausting, sure. But being the only boring one? That is the real tragedy.
Let them be the kid. You keep being the grumpy mom or dad who secretly loves them for it.
That is the deal. That is your marriage. And it is perfect.